I Loved You First
by StarShinobi
Summary: During her ten year high school reunion, she saw his picture on the display board. For just a moment, she let herself remember the struggle. She let her mind wander back, today was a day about remembering after all…


Ok so I really should be working on My Protector, My Guardian, but I just have too many one shots popping into my head to focus on it. I hope to get some work done on it soon because it has been way too long. So, I decided to do a free writing piece to warm back up.

Anyway, this fic just came to me at work one day while I was listening to the song Samson on my ipod (does that surprise anyone who reads any of my stuff ^_^) and I figured it had been way too long since I did a hard core angst fic. There are multiple ideas of what Regina Spektor used for an inspiration for this song, and I think you will figure out which one I used. I was also inspired by the fic "Tomorrow May Never Come" by mahwish1. I highly recommend this fic, by the way.

Also, this is a first attempt at a low dialog fic. Hope that doesn't scare too many people off. It's the only format I felt worked for this fic. Let me know how it does!

Anyway, if you can, listen to the song prior to reading the fic (or during it). It adds to the affect. If you can't, I put the song at the end (not part of fic).

And follow me on twitter! I sometimes have updates on new fics and chapters that are coming out!  /#!/StarShinobi

Warnings: Angst, and lots of it. Possible tears but I don't want to set anyone up for that.

Disclaimer: I do not own digimon or the Samson by Regina Spektor.

Enjoy

* * *

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

~Herm Albright

* * *

Sora walked into the hotel ballroom and smiled, their class president had really outdone herself this time. The five year reunion had been a bit of a failure, but the ten year, now _this_ was a high school reunion. She smiled as her four-year-old son pulled from his father's hold and began running toward the buffet table yelling something about cookies, his daddy laughing close behind. _Like father, like son_, she mused as she let a smile grace her face.

He focus was pulled from her boys as an excited yelled resonated through the room and good friend from senior year, Suziko, came running over. The two had lost touch since Sora's wedding as the girl had moved to Hong Kong for her job. It was amazing to see her again as the two caught up, discussing husbands, children, and their respective fashion and accounting careers. After a fair amount of time, Sora excused herself realizing she had not seen her husband and son for a while. She needed to make sure that neither of them had consumed their weight in sugar.

As she searched the crowded ballroom, stopping to chat with a few people here and there, she passed a table covered in displays of pictures from the class's senior year. Sora could not help but laugh at some of the photos, including one of her winning her district's tennis championship and of her and Suziko at graduation.

Then she saw his picture, and stopped.

It was a simple picture of him, sitting in the empty school hallway plucking at the stings on his bass. She couldn't help but smile at the photo. She had taken it at the beginning of their junior year, before everything that happened. It had been years since she had seen this picture. She looked across the room when she heard a loud laugh, one that she would recognize anywhere, and saw her husband talking to the old members of the Teenage Wolves.

The sight of the two men of her life talking with old friends made her smile, and then tears spring to her eyes. It felt like it had been so long since she had thought about the events of junior year, yet she knew she probably only thought about it last week. It really wasn't something she _couldn't_ think about. It was a very prominent point in her family's life. She let her mind wander back, today was a day about remembering after all…

* * *

It had always been a joking argument between the two, who had been the first one to realize they had loved the other. Sora was adamant that she had realized it first, knowing her feelings had started growing right after their adventures as eleven-year-olds. Obviously it had only been a silly crush, but when her freshman year had rolled around, she knew it was true. Matt was the one for her, but she didn't say anything. Their friendship was important, but when Matt asked her out in the summer after their sophomore year, she had hardly missed a beat in her acceptance.

He was always happy and upbeat, especially when he was with her. He often told her that she was his reason to smile, a cheesy line which never failed to make her blush. The two were always together and had learned almost everything about each other.

Which is why she found it strange when he began going home earlier and earlier in the day when school began agian. He said it was because he was feeling tired, reassuring her he didn't want to leave with a kiss and a promise to pick her up for school the next day. At first, they had all thought it was the stress of school and his band that was causing him to tire out quicker, so they ignored it.

It was about half way through September that she noticed the weight loss. It had been a gradual thing, but when she bought him a shirt in the size he had worn during the summer and it was too large, the loss became strikingly apparent. It was at that point she began to worry about her boyfriend. Once again she had placed it on the stress Matt was under. Junior year had brought him into a lot of honors classes and the band was really pushing him to write new music. Along with trying to balance spending time with Sora and take care of the apartment due to his father's work schedule, she figured the load he carried on his shoulders was becoming too heavy. He told her he was fine, but it didn't stop her from worrying.

In the middle of October, she noticed his clammy skin and decreasing strength. She finally decided to talk to Matt about her concerns, listing the problems she had seen. He admitted to her that he had been feeling under the weather lately; having a fever and feeling light headed, but blamed it again on school and his band. Sora found herself getting frustrated with the answer and asked what his dad said. Her frustration grew when he said his dad didn't know because he was busy at work and he didn't want to bother him with a cold.

This upset her, and she decided to do some looking. She looked up his symptoms and couldn't believe what the result was. Matt would never do this, but there it was staring her straight in the face. One single word that she had never considered. It didn't make sense! He didn't refuse to eat. In fact, Matt always ate one, if not two, meals with her everyday, but there it was staring her in the face.

Anorexia.

She had to talk to him about this. She approached him at school the next day and to say it caused quite the argument in the hallway would be an understatement. Several students watched as the two argued about everything she had noticed, surprised that she had breached the subject at school.

More surprising was when Matt's hand flew to his head as if he was dizzy and the blonde passed out onto the hallway floor.

The next few hours had gone incredibly quickly yet agonizingly slow. An ambulance was called and Matt was brought to the hospital where Sora explained what had been going on with Matt over the past months. T.K., Natsuko, and Hiroaki arrived shortly after, with Tai coming after school. After several hours and many questions, Hiroaki was called into Matt's room and the remaining group a short time later.

The atmosphere in the room was tense when they entered, but upon seeing Matt awake in the hospital bed, she couldn't stop herself from running to him and wrapping him in a hug. He returned the hug gently before Hiro asked them to sit. Sora couldn't help but notice how broken Matt looked in the bed as his dad explained some of the tests the doctor had run. Sora felt her heart stop when Hiro finally dropped the bomb that was the diagnosis.

Stage three cancer.

A silence reigned over the room for a moment before Hiro began to explain that they were going to start an aggressive chemo regiment in the next couple weeks. Sora couldn't help but tighten her grip on Matt's hand at the announcement and noticed how quiet Matt was being. She saw how emotionless he looked, staring dry-eyed at the bed sheet, and couldn't help but wish it really had been anorexia. It wasn't much better, but it wasn't cancer.

Matt stayed home for couple days after that, refusing to see anyone as he took everything in. Sora gave him his space, but was glad when he continued to text her throughout the day, asking about school in an attempt to keep some sense of normalcy. She was all too willing to comply.

It was a week later that the real problems began to arise. Sora was over at Matt's house, watching a movie when she overheard Hiro on the phone talking to Natsuko. Apparently Hiro wasn't going to be able to pay for Matt's treatment on the schedule he was on and was going to start working longer hours to make up the difference. Unfortunately this meant he was going to be home even less than he already was and Matt wasn't supposed to be left alone while he was undergoing chemo therapy. Sora couldn't help but feel the tears well in her eyes as she listened to Hiro beg Natsuko to take Matt in. She couldn't stop them from falling when it became apparent that she was not going to be able to do so.

Long and short of it, that is how Sora learned her own mother was a saint. She put on a brave face for Matt and upon retelling the story to her mom, she could not help but feel proud to be a Takenouchi when her mother picked up the phone and offered Matt a second home when his father was working.

That was how Yamato Ishida became an honorary Takenouchi four to five days a week. Sora's mother converted her office into a third bedroom so Matt could have some privacy on the days he feeling ill. Unfortunately those days seemed to happen quite frequently due to the aggressiveness of the treatment he was receiving. He tried to hide it from the Takenouchi's but they could always tell when it was getting bad. All he could eat was white bread or he couldn't keep it down.

It wasn't until three weeks into his first round of chemo that Sora realized how much Matt was going to need her during this fight. He was always been so positive, so upbeat that it almost seemed like he could take this whole disease on all by himself. Sure, there were days where his smile was obviously forced and there were nights he would wake Sora, per her invitation, because he was too nauseous to sleep. Of course each of those nights ended with her mother coming in and telling Matt he had to go back to his own bed and sleep, but he tried his hardest to not complain and place his suffering on others. She couldn't forget what he would always tell her. "I can take it, Sora. Do you know why? Because I am going to beat this thing and I am going to be all the stronger for it."

But it was week three that she remembered waking up to Matt sitting at her desk, staring at his hand. He had obviously been debating whether or not to wake her and she could not help but scold him jokingly about even thinking about letting her sleep.

"It's time, Sora."

It was then that she realized why he was staring at his hand. They had all known it was going to happen and had discussed how it would be handled when it did, but it still was like a stab to her heart when she saw the large chunk of hair peaking though his balled up fist.

"Are you sure?" she asked running her hand through his long hair, fighting back the tears at the sight of the few golden strands that came out with her fingers. "You can't notice it yet."

"Yeah, I don't want to prolong the inevitable. Let's just get it over with."

Her heart broke at the disappointment she heard in his voice. She went to her desk and pulled out a pair of scissors and turned on the desk lamp, dousing the room in a yellow light. They both knew he wouldn't be able to cut it off himself. Matt had been growing out his hair all summer, wanting to sport a more rocker look. He loved his hair and she knew it was killing him to know that it was all going to disappear.

She pulled over her garbage can and began cutting off large pieces of hair, crying as she placed the golden pieces into the receptacle. Matt continued to stare at his fist, emotionless, as Sora finished with the scissors and pulled out the hair clipper. She removed the remaining length, only the electric buzz of the appliance filling the room, leaving a millimeter or two of hair in its wake. When she finished, she offered Matt the trash can and he hesitantly dropped the hair in his hand into it. She placed a kiss on his now buzzed head and wrapped her arms around him from behind, whispering into his ear, "This too shall pass."

He gently pulled her in front of him and she sat down on his lap. She leaned forward and allowed him to place a kiss on her lips, his arms wrapping around her waist. It was gentle, but every ounce of gratitude and admiration flowed into her through that kiss, saying more than words ever could. He pulled away and buried his head in the crook of her neck, a suit she followed. "I love you."

She was taken aback for a moment, surprised by the declaration, but she more sure of the response than she had been of anything else in her life before. "I love you too."

"We're gonna get through this," he said, pulling her closer.

"Yeah, it only makes us stronger, right?"

"Right."

He returned back to his bed ten minutes later when Toshiko entered the room at daybreak and reminded Sora and Matt they needed to sleep separately. Matt obediently left the room, and Sora did not miss the pitying look her mother gave Matt's back as he passed. "Has he broken down yet?" she asked Sora after his door had closed.

Sora shook her head. "No, but I'm scared of when he does."

It was two months later that the dreaded day came. Matt had stayed at his own house that night, having gone to the doctor for a routine checkup after the second round of chemo with his dad. That was why Sora was so surprised to hear the soft knock typically heard before Matt entered her bedroom when he stayed at her house. She sat up and was instantly out of bed when Matt opened her door, face distorted in sadness and rage.

"Matt, what are…?"

"It's worse!" he yelled, walking over her window and placing his head on the cool glass.

Sora saw her mother standing just outside her door, holding up the key she had given Matt in case of emergencies. She gave Sora a signal which she understood as 'I am in the other room if you need me.' Sora gave her a thankful nod and turned her attention back to Matt. "What do you mean?"

"It's not working! We haven't destroyed anything! Not a fucking thing!" he yelled as he held up a crinkled piece of paper, a report that Sora recognized as a test report from the hospital.

Sora felt her stomach drop into her feet, they hadn't destroyed…anything? Did that mean his cancerous cell count was the same as it had been in November? "So we do another round of chemo, right? We just have to keep fighting this thing."

There was an eerie silence that filled the room; one that Sora knew did not bode well. If you asked her now, she would tell you that she should have known what was coming, but her 16 year old self wasn't ready for what came next and could not stop the tears from falling from her eyes.

"I'm stage four, Sora."

It was said so calmly in comparison the conversation preceding it that you would think he simply stated it was February. The silence continued while Sora processed what that meant. Stage four meant the cancer had metastasized to other parts of the body.

Not only had they not destroyed enough of the cancer, it had continued to grow.

Sora was brought out of her own head by the strangled sob that escaped Matt's throat. She could tell that he was trying to hold them back, hide his pain just as he had been doing since his treatments began four months ago, but she didn't want him to hide it anymore.

Because he really was in pain.

She ran at the boy and wrapped her arms around him from behind pulling him close to her chest as his knees gave out and so did his resolve. Sobs escaped from his lips so filled with agony one would have thought someone had just ripped out his heart. Sora felt her own tears run down her cheeks as she rested her head on his back, feeling his muscles contract with every agonized yell.

"I don't want to die, Sora!"

And there it was.

Matt's breaking point.

Everything was breaking through: his pain, his fear, his doubts. Everything that he had been hiding from those around him for almost half a year came flooding out all at once and it flowed through Sora's veins like razor blades, ripping apart her every fiber. She stood up and sat in front of him, pulling him into a hug which he quickly returned, the weak squeezing of his fingers in her shirt and of his arms around her torso revealing to her just how much strength he had lost during this fight. She didn't know if she just hadn't noticed or if she had just tried to ignore it, but everything about Matt was hitting her at once. His lack of physical strength, his weight loss, the dark circles below his eyes, the baldness below the hat he had started wearing; everything.

But despite this, she was not going to let him give up. "We're going to fight this, Yamato. We are going to face this head on, just like we always have."

"I'm scared, Sora," he cried into her shoulder. "I don't want to die."

"I won't let you," she said squeezing him tighter. "More impossible things have happened then beating stage four cancer. We are going to fight, and we are going to fight hard. We are going to show this thing what Yamato Ishida is made out of."

"What if I'm not strong enough?" he whispered, hands still holding onto Sora's shirt like a lifeline.

"We'll never know if you don't try. You've fought this whole time, Matt. Don't give up now."

There was a long silence between the two as Matt's sobs began to subside and his breath evened out as much as they could at this point. He always seemed a little out of breath. "Okay," he whispered, yet his resolve sounded strong. "If this thing wants me, it's going to have to try to take me away kicking and screaming."

She detached herself from the crook of Matt's neck and placed her hands on each side of Matt's face. "Promise me," she said staring into Matt's blue eyes, dulled by the events of the past six months. "Promise me this too shall pass."

"I promise," he said confidently. "I am going to fight this thing to the end, whether that's being cured or the alternative."

"That's all I ask, love." She placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"I love you too."

That night, Toshiko made Matt's bed for him to sleep in; calling Hiroaki to let him know where his son had run to. A few weeks later, the routine began again with Matt spending nights at the Takenouchi home while his father worked long hours. However, Sora noticed Hiro tried to be home more often this time around, working longer hours fewer days a week so he could be home with his son. This both worried and pleased Sora. She was glad he was spending more time with Matt but worried he had given up hope that Matt would recover.

Not that Matt's deteriorating condition gave much hope.

His last week of his third round was the first week in April. The doctors had said the numbers were starting to look better, but it wasn't the cell count that Sora was worried about. This round had hit Matt more than usual, not even allowing him to keep down his staple of white bread. He looked so tired, but he always reminded Sora with a smile that he promised to fight this with everything he had.

His last day of the round was the next morning when Sora once again heard the telltale knock followed by her door opening. She sat up and moved over allowing Matt to lie down on the mattress next to her as had become their new ritual. She threw the blanket on top of him as they had found his body was beginning to have temperature control issues and was cold most of the time.

"How are you doing tonight?" she asked wrapping her arms around his waist and snuggling up against his back. She felt him reach back and touch her hair, something he had gotten into the habit of since admitting he thought her red hair was one of her most beautiful features.

"I'm cold and nauseous, but still fighting," he joked.

"Can't sleep?"

"No, I am actually too tired to sleep. My mind's all over the place tonight."

"Where's it at now?" she asked quietly. Matt had been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately and she wanted nothing more than to alleviate some of that so the tired man could get some much needed sleep.

"What happens if I die, Sora?" he asked quietly. "I… I'm not giving up, but… what if…" He stumbled over his words, obviously both scared and embarrassed.

"What do you think happens, love?" she asked.

"I believe if you did the best you could in life, were kind to those around you, you go to heaven. I believe you get to see everyone you love that has passed and can watch after those you left behind, maybe even get to protect one of them, like a guardian angel. Does that sound stupid?" he asked tiredly.

"No, Matt. That doesn't sound stupid. It actually sounds very comforting."

"Hmm," he said, obviously beginning to fall asleep in her arms. Sora knew she was supposed to send Matt back to his bed, but she wanted him here. Something told her he needed her tonight. "Do you think I can be a guardian angel?"

"Decades from now, when you die of old age. That's the plan, right?"

"R't," he slurred. "'m h'ngry."

This happened to him a lot lately. He wasn't able to keep much down so he was hungry and not able to eat. "I know baby. How about this? In the morning, I'll make some waffles. Maybe we can keep those down."

"Ok," he whispered. "I l'v you, S'ra."

"I love you, too, Matt. We stat the fight again in the morning, right?"

"Of c'rs," he mumbled. "T'morr's a new day."

She smiled into his back and placed a gentle kiss on his neck. "Goodnight, babe."

She was met by the sleeping sounds of Matt's labored breathing. She snuggled into his back, this wasn't the first time they spoke about death and it wouldn't be the last. They would probably talk about it in the morning again after he promised to keep fighting like he did everyday.

Matt usually woke up before her, so she was a little surprised when she woke up and found the boy still in her arms. She snuggled against him again, relishing in the feeling of having him there. She could get used to this.

That's when she realized something was wrong. She quickly sat up and saw his blue lips and his immobile chest. His eyes had slightly parted, staring into nothingness and Sora felt her heart stop.

She screamed.

Her mother was in the room in seconds, pulling Sora from the bed. Everything happened so fast and Sora could only watch, frozen in the corner of her room where her mother had placed her. Her mother checked his pulse, called 911 and began CPR. She had somehow called Hiro as well who beat the paramedics to their apartment from his office building, his face already tear stained, and released an agonized cry at the sight of his son. The paramedics came into the apartment not much later and Sora could only watch in horror as her worst fear came to life.

"TOD 7:32 am, April 16, 2012."

* * *

It was actually Tai who had stepped up to take care of Sora after Matt died. There had been days where she hated him for being logical, loved him for being sympathetic, and happy that her best friend was willing to put up with her for as long as it took her to recover. The yearbook had put in a memoir page for Matt that year, but their senior year, it was almost as if Matt had never existed, getting only a photograph on an empty chair at graduation and a mention in the valedictorian's speech.

It was like history had forgotten the man who had fought his illness at such a young age.

"Mommy!" came a small voice accompanied by the sound of small feet running toward her. She was pulled out of her thoughts as a pair of small hands wrapped around her knees and a face smashed into the front of her legs in a very enthusiastic hug.

"Hi, sweetie," giggled Sora at her son's antics, bending down to wrap her arms around his small shoulders. He had always loved to give hugs and loved even more to get them in return. "Are you having fun with daddy?"

"Yeah, we talked to Mr. Akira for a while. He gave me a piece of gum!" he yelled, giving the piece of candy a couple of exaggerated chews to prove his point.

"That's great!" she smiled.

"There you are," said Tai as he approached his family. "Swear to God this kid is gonna be a center with that speed. One minute he's there and the next he disappears into thin air."

"No, you just get caught up with friends and he gets bored easy, just like his dad," she said, placing a small kiss on his cheek.

"Mommy, can I go get a glass of juice?"

"Sure, do you want me to go with you?"

"No, I can do it!" he said, already halfway to the table.

"Center, I'm telling you," Tai joked.

"He can start soccer in the fall," she giggled.

"So, what have you been up to Mrs. Kamiya?" asked Tai with a smile.

Sora looked back over at the picture on the poster board. It was the only one of him on there. There were no pictures of his concerts, no picture of him with Sora while they were dating, and definitely no pictures of him after he had gotten sick. It was as if the world was slowly forgetting him, the world continued to turn, as it should, and left him in the past. She didn't want forget him.

"It's okay to miss him, Sora. You know that right?" Tai had obviously seen the picture as well, the kindness and understanding in his voice.

"I know," she said, her gaze turning back to Tai. "I just, I never want you to think that he was more important to me."

"Matt was important to all of us, he was just important to you in a different way. I know you didn't settle with me, Sora. You loved Matt first and he was taken away from all of us in a terrible way. The fact that you loved him and miss him doesn't mean you love me any less. Who knows how things would have turned out if Matt were still here, but I truly believe that it's fate that brings two people together. If he were still here, he would have been the best man at our wedding and our son would be playing with his."

"I love you so much," she said placing a kiss on his lips.

"I love you too," he said brushing her cheek. "We don't have to forget him, baby. We just need to remember the Matt that loved life and was healthy. That is what he would have wanted."

Sora hesitated, feeling childish wanting to reveal her thoughts. "Do you think he's been watching us?"

"You know what, I think he is. He always made sure all of us were safe and happy, why would death stop that."

"You're right; he always protected what was important to him."

"Which is why I believe our son has one hell of a guardian angel," he said, giving her a quick hug.

"Speaking of our son, Yamato sure has been gone a while. Wasn't there someone filling glasses or is he attempting to do it himself?"

"Either way I think I'll go find him. Goodness knows that kid is a lady killer, just like his dad," he teased, giving Sora a wink.

"You're such a child," she giggled. "Go find your son before he blows something up, just like his dad."

"That was one time!" Tai called jokingly as he ran after their boy, who was in fact trying to fill his own glass and failing.

Sora looked back at the photo again, taking in the smile that graced her first love's face. Tai was right, it was better to remember him happy and healthy. Remember their digital adventures, the concerts they went to, the times they had spent with their friends. She remembered his smile, his laugh, and his singing. She felt a warmth spread from her heart until it reached the tips of her fingers and toes.

And she knew he was watching them.

* * *

Our departed love ones will always be our assigned Angels watching over us.

- Pamela D'Aranjo

* * *

So, not bad for a free writing piece, huh? I know a few people are going to say I need to have a warning at the top of the page for it being a death fic, but I wanted the reader to be unsure of the outcome until the end. If you expect it, it ruins the point of the fic. I'm sure many figured it out before it happened, but I wasn't just going to hand it to you on a silver platter.

I also wanted to explain a couple reasons for things in this fic. I decided not to specify what type of cancer. I don't know specifics and I wanted to leave something to the reader's imagination. Also, I know any parent would try and spend as much time at home as they could with their kid, but I really wanted Matt to share these moments with Sora, and this was the only way I thought this could feasibly happen. I really think Hiro would have tried to be with Matt, but medical treatment is expensive, especially for a single parent. I also made Natsuko unhelpful to make this work. I don't know why, I just never really liked her.

Anyway, leave a review! They are always fabulous to see in my inbox ^_^ and if you are looking for the lyrics for the fic, here they are.

**Samson by Regina Spektor**

You are my sweetest downfall  
I loved you first, I loved you first  
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth  
I have to go, I have to go  
Your hair was long when we first met

_Samson went back to bed  
Not much hair left on his head  
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed  
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us  
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once_

You are my sweetest downfall  
I loved you first, I loved you first  
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads  
But they're just old light, they're just old light  
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed  
Told me that my hair was red  
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed  
Oh I cut his hair myself one night  
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light  
And he told me that I'd done alright  
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light  
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed  
Not much hair left on his head  
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed  
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down  
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one  
And history books forgot about us  
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall  
I loved you first


End file.
